Day #1 : The C-Section

maybe you didnt think what you said was THAT serious.

maybe you can understand because you know sometimes, even the slightest mentioning of something from your friends or family will affect you.

i know you will know what i mean.



sometimes i do ask myself how come i have nothing when i had been working ever since i graduate from poly.

i dont buy myself very expensive branded bags.

i dont buy myself a car although i had always had the idea to do so.

i dont buy myself a house because i cannot do so too.

so what did i buy for myself that is really an achievement to me?

i say.. NOTHING.



maybe, commitments at home had been pretty heavy for me.

i always had to make sure i had enough so that my siblings dont go borrowing from others and i refused to let them do so.

so that i can always help to make their lives better when they need a new phone, when they need more money, when they wanna buy stuffs, when i wanna treat them to something better or when i wanna make them look forward to the different family occasions or celebrations together.

i start to ask myself, am i trying too hard????

however, there are some occasions that i really cannot help and i hope for their understanding.



i always thought this was a good thing.

i will try my best to help them.

i want them to be happy.

however, sometimes..... i do ask myself, is this really good for ME?

sometimes... i do also think that... i think no one appreciates whatever i have done...



a friend asked me yesterday, "you work so hard.. even travelling every day in and out now... you dont buy a car and you dont buy a house.. what are you doing and why are you still penniless??"

it suddenly hit me real hard.

i didnt know how to answer that.



i thought, we might have a dream together.

i was ignorant about this whole thing that we (YOU) wanted to build.

i was always stucked in an office doing office stuffs.

never too familiar with the latest or updated stuffs about the rest of the world.

i hope YOU can tell me about it.

i hope YOU can help me through.

i seem to ask too many questions and have somehow irritated the impatient you.

i felt i was blocked out of the picture.

i felt it was like a one-sided thing.. suddenly.



suddenly i realise,

things werent as good as i thought it will be.



maybe... until the very end... i will have NOTHING.

maybe... i have LOVE (do i??).



but.. i know i am not that UNLUCKY.

life just hasnt been tooo good for me.

i know, there will be alot of people out there worse than me.

which i will always keep in mind.

there is no way i can control myself from not helping the people i love.

so i had to admit to life that i have now.

this is my life.

i shall live it like i had always did.

a few emo-moments like this.

i hope these goes away quickly.

i will turn a blind eye to it and pretend that i am living good.

this is it.



i am just not that blessed.



**eyes getting blurry and hot but not going to drop any tear for now because i brought all these to myself and there is nothing to be pathetic about.





*******

emo emo emo emo go AWAY!!!!

i know i am better than this.